Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Tears

Tears
Saline, meandering
subtle
soak my pillow tears
silent
stab my heart tears
desolate
need a friend tears
red
puffy eyed tears
tired
sleepless night tears
hurt
I-Do't-know-what-I-did tears
blinding
cloud gazing tears
cathartic
pain easing tears

tears nonetheless
and they shall flow

Writing

Writing is an exercise we are coerced into by our junior school teachers assisted duly by their invariably fat spectacles and equally fat wooden rulers. All Bengali parents think their child to be a protegee who will grow up to be either a Rabindranath Tagore or at least a Sukumar Ray. However jokes apart reading and writing are institutions we are luckily introduced to very early in life.

Unlike most people I began life with, i.e. cousins and nursery school friends I quite liked writing. I loved to see my name featuring in the index of the school magazine each year. I would run my fingers on the printed page where perhaps a half page poem or a two page story had been published. Call it self-idolatry or whatever other fancy term, I just loved it. And I still do. I would love to see my name at the end of any piece of writing. Just for that, if not for the sheer joy of writing itself, of the secret music my words played or the fierce duels they fought, i will write.

To express myself, to have my catharsis, to be as disagreeable as ever, to have my silent fight, to move away from someone and bear the pain with a smirk, to unconsciously fall in love or out of it, to put the right words in the right place and have that orgasmic thrill, to have my own adventure, to live I would write.

Monday, March 29, 2010

If only I had some more patience

Why are women never satisfied with their haircut? Or is it just me? No, this is not a frivolous observation of a lazy bum. It is a serious concern. I just looked up into the mirror after washing my face, and i invariably frowned at the curls on my head. Is it about the grass being greener on the other side syndrome? Isn't there some very serious sounding clinical jargon which I can flaunt? Like I suffer from serious-compulsive-psychological-hairstyle-dissatisfaction-syndrome.

When I have short hair I wish it as longer. When I have long hair, I feel what the heck? this is so high maintenance, why can't I have a chic short crop? When I get to highlight my hair I wonder why I gave up the natural brown, and when I have the natural tinge on I think it is so odd.

So how are some women so smug with the mane they don?
Or do they have the perfect parlour? To be very honest I really do not have naything against my beauty parlour, the girls do a pretty decent job. And everytime after they shampoo, and give me a haircut and do the entire spa-hot steam routine topping it up with a blow dried set hairstyle I do tip them quite handsomely. I am happy with what just happened for a couple of hours. Believe it or not it happens every bloody time I go. I am happy for a couple of hours and the I realize that perhaps its too short, or perhaps its not uniform or some other oddity about it.

And never to save my life can I replicate that perfect styling they do. SO whats the point? I spend some good money, but I don't get what I want. People say, You have not changed your hairstyle in like forever or when was the last time you had a different haircut.. and my defensive answer is, I don't really trust strangers with the scissors on my head, and I would love to have long hair. Only I don't have the patience.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Going back to Eden Gardens

The last time I had been at Eden Gardens was to watch a match between India and Pakistan. It was a Test match and Shahid Afridi had bashed up the dignity of all the Indian bowlers left, right and centre. As in all Indian families, cricket is considered almost hermetic and the results dependent on totally irrelevant and illogical coincidences and superstitions. So since I had been on the field that day, everyone beginning from my parents to friends assumed that by a great turn of fate it was my presence; yes my presence and not the shameful presentation by our bowlers, which led to such a grand batting show by Afridi. Yes, I agree that I had been a bit, a tiny bit, loquacious about Afridi. However that could not have led to such results, rationally speaking. When it comes to cricket, none speak rationally.

Anyway that is not the point of this article. Last evening I went to Eden Gardens again. This time there was no national sentiments attached so I believe my family did not create a huge quandary just because it was not a match which India was playing. It was just another Kolkata Knight Riders match, and according to old school cricket watchers T20 is not cricket at all. It is a curious and vulgar mix of cricket with crass entertainment not the classy and king's sport which they would love to watch.

I don't care much for that, for me it was more going to Eden Gardens than watching a match. Honestly I had not hoped we would win. The fact that we did was great, but I had had no hopes.
However the spirit of T20 at the Eden was absolutely brilliant. The crowds going on an endless Mexican Wave loop, totally drooling at the cheerleaders, comely aunties breaking into a jig at every fall of a wicket, people accommodating totally irritable kinds on their lap so that they can watch the match, totally nondescript urchins doing an impeccable lip sync to Black Eyed Peas, trying to spot Katrina Kaif, shouting out at Kallis as if he were their school friend, hugging complete strangers after the victory.

There was just one not-so-feel-good incident which happened. The crowd at Eden has some great inexplicable, primitive almost hermetic relationship with the basic elements. Earlier there would torches at the home turf victory. Fire-checked. Now it is the water. After that famous World Cup debacle with SriLanka, taking bottles inside the stadium is strictly prohibited. Now they sell water in pouches. Yes plastic pouches with water, which people hold up to their mouth as if it were a conch shell they were blowing announcing the commencement of some epic battle lost in the sands of time. Now just as Manoj Tiwary started showering runs some smart guy had the bright idea of spreading the water around. InHindu tradition we have a tradition of spreading Holy Water on people after worshiping God, which is called "Shanti-r Jol" or "The Water of Peace. Now we did not really mind all the water being sprinkled on our heads that scorching March evening when someone got carried away and started throwing the pouches. Now a plastic pouch with water filled when thrown at random with certain amount of force and comes and hits a person can be quite a pain in the neck (as a friend of mine was to literally experience). So after this small H2O carousal, the policemen came into the picture and beat up a guy pretty bad.
Though some would say it was pretty harsh on the boy I think that was the only way you can control a crowd at Eden. So the water revelry subsided for some time.

The fun and real charm though was when the match ended and we cleared the stands. At a distant cha-waala's shanty at off Esplanade you could watch the lights at Eden; Like diamonds on the embellished tiara of the princess they shone. A stadium spectacle is a more ancient tradition than a proscenium theatre, and even more ancient than the movie theatre. Perhaps in its primitiveness lies its ability to bind people closer.

In a movie theatre the experience is collective but the performance itself is thrice removed. It is based on some story which has been acted in some studio whose one singular copy is being shone on this particular screen. The theatre, as in a proscenium where a drama is enacted is twice removed. However a stadium, like the Colosseum where Gladiators would fight, is the most ancient and truest performance/entertainment domain. Yesterday, at Eden Gardens what unfolded in front of us was not removed from reality. It was s sport whose every future second unfolded in front of us as much as it was unfolding in front of the players who were on the field. Sourav Ganguly or Rahul Dravid had no inside information on what was about to happen next. This inherent quality of sport makes it the most cherished of all entertainment mankind has known.The nail biting finish, the collective sighs and ecstasy is to be found nowhere else.

Monday, March 8, 2010

writing an essay

I have realized that after two years of pure trashy answer writing in an MBA program I have manage to destroy my skill of writing good essays. Something which used to be my forte in school.
A good, logical, reasoned and structured essay. You would read through it and it would not be puffy like cotton-wool, but solid like a wall. You could find no loopholes in it. The progression of the logic would be smooth. At no point would the reader feel lost and angry because he cannot make sense of what is going on. The purpose of the essay was to get the point across not fill pages with gibberish.
There are certainly palpable breakages in the wall. The skill is tarnished. And it is not like math, that I have forgotten the formulae and practicing five test exercises is going to put things in perspective. This is high art, and diligence is required. The language cannot be jocund and frivolous. It has to be serious and the tone should bind together the entire piece as one smooth string of pearls.
I am hoping to God that I get back my touch.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Forward, Ahoy

What have I seen of this world? Nothing. For the past 24 years of my life I have lived with my parents, in one city, interacting day in day out with a singular race of people.True there are so many languages and dialects in this one state itself, but this is not all. The country has so many more languages. I have never really lived somewhere else.

May be it is time I did that. May be it is time I went away from the protective upbringing, the loving parents, the always-watching-my-back friends, the comfortable confines of home. I mean, work has been a rude shock. There are so many brutal truths of life I am so blissfully unaware of. However the fact remains that life is cruel, and saying it over and over again will never really give me a taste of it. I have to go there and face it on my own, alone. So that next time around I do not coil back in a foetal timidity to my home, my room, under the warmth of my blanket, walking randomly on the streets of my city trying to regain my sanity by looking at a familiar skyline.

Shelley was lucky. Actually all the guys who graduated with Shelley were lucky, I talk of Shelley since he is famous and I like him. He had the concept of taking life easy. Also he had the luxury of a Grand Tour. I wish I could do something like that. Visit ornate cities and write poetry. I would love to go to Paris and sit by the Seine. Just sit there watching the handsome men and the lovely lights. Or in Egypt, at the feet of the Sphynx, and think of the pharoahs and how long long back in time these were built and wonder.

I need to just get out have a brilliant time before I fade into another ordinry life bound by the clock. I need to steal some time from my life for myself, for having that one flash of extraordinariness which I shall cherish for the rest of my life.