Grr...

I am angry. I am not sure if I am angry with someone but I am angry, as angry as one can get. But I am unsure how exactly I should vent out my anger. It is a situation where there is no one in particular that i can blame. It is really nobody's fault. In situations like these what I do is very detrimental.

I cry or I shout at people. And more often than not I shout at people who i know will keep on loving me just as they have always done in spite of this sudden fit of vicious temper. Losing one's temper really is one of the greatest vices of all, has it made to the seven sins? I am not sure.

From my childhood I have been protected and loved by everyone , I guess that is what has given me this amazing comfort zone about losing my temper at the drop of a hat. I am an only daughter. I guess the only person who has had a more or less rational and balanced approach towards me has been my mother. She spoils me completely though. She never really has been pampering me. My father pampers me still. And he is the shield I can take refuge behind if my mother is angry with me for any reason. But there have been times when I have had furious rows with either of them. And have said God-knows-what in my rage.

It is only in hindsight that I sit and think how wrong I have been and I should not have done this or that. But the word is really like a bullet, once shot it's gone. It's said and nothing absolutely nothing can undo that. However saying bitter stuff to people who are unrelated is a bit dicey. i cannot really expect them to understand.

I am the only girl among all my cousins. So even there I have been quite sheltered. If the bigger brothers were bad to me their parents would come to my rescue, if the younger ones were disturbing me the older ones would shoo them away. So what an only child does among his/her cousins, i.e. cry , shout, make a point and get his/her point across and taken was never really done by me.

Even in school I was among an elite group who nobody picked on. SO the natural defense mechanism which every geekish student has to protect him/herself is lacking in me.

Suddenly I am left to fend for myself. No amount of shouting or stony silences are being understood by people. How exactly do I get across the fact that I am angry, furious, totally ballistic. The thing is I am expecting too much. I am expecting that everyone will treat me like family. Everyone is going to think like my family. everyone is going to come with an icecream or a pastry to tell me it is fine.

My problem is I expect too much. I am too high-maintenance as a dear friend pointed out. I have been trying to deal with the situation and I guess this time around I am going to have to do it alone. I cannot expect so much.

Now that that is identified I need to figure out a way to control the absolute explosion that is to ensue. Generally in such situations I do some crazy shouting at someone. I had tried to cope with it once earlier and had resorted to obsessive eating to level of bingeing. But I don't think that is such a good idea after all. The thing is when I sit down later and try to think what it is that has angered me soooo much the issue seems so trivial that I wonder why am I so angry after all . I mean this is not such a big deal. It is not the event in itself and it's brevity or giganticity which invokes such moods in me but the reaction that people have.

They sit tight, lackadaisical, as if nothing at all has happened and do not even make an effort to correct the situation. I mean I know it's done , I am not asking anyone to undo it, at least try to compensate. There, there I go again.

Take a deep breath. I shall be fine. Lets find something to eat.